finals are done. i'm out of school, and i've some time to myself.
my body clock is severely out of whack, and any semblence of a sleep schedule that i have is accidental.
i'm trying to recover from the months of disorganization. from the last 6 weeks of damage the stress has done to me. for the first time in my life, i'd bit my nails to the point that they'd bled. i'd gone several nights with less than an hour of sleep, not because i'm cramming or trying to stay awake. i feel like i've failed myself even though i'd tried so hard. like i've failed myself from age 5 to present. that's how long i've been making plans for my life, and now... life's all up in the air.

and i haven't even cried about it. it's this big, enormous, huge deal - but i know that it's analogous with simply turning a circle a few degrees to the left or right. you just steer yourself in a new direction. as time goes on, you end up somewhere else. no big...?

in the wake of my new-found insomnia (it's about 4:15am on monday morning right now), i'm reading about 5 different books. i'll probably finish 2 of them tonight. reading and music. good for the soul.

From Good In Bed (that i borrowed from g):
Here you are. You are here. And you move forward because that's the way it works; that's the only place you can go. You keep going until it stops hurting, or until you find new things that hurt you worse, I guess. And that is the human condition, all of us lurching along in our own private miseries, because that's the way it is. Because, I guess, God didn't give us any choice. You grow up... You learn.

the strangest thing about what i've been experiencing/feeling/thinking lately is this strange and out of place vulnerability. where did this come from? the last time i felt this way was like... geez... over 6 months ago sitting in my living room one night. and now sometimes it creeps up on me. as a warning? "watch yourself, lady. here, have a twinge of pain as a parting gift." //shrug. well, i hear ya, and don't worry. i won't go being silly.
or maybe i just miss my baby.